This comparison of me "then" and "now" is an exercise in introspection that disturbed me greatly. I did not dwell much on the physical transition that took place over a span of 18 years(honestly the change is evident and and unavoidable unless one is Peter Pan). But the thing that struck me most while I sat and scrutinized these images was the self consciousness that I see in the more recent picture of me.
Like many young adults I pride myself on not caring about the way I'm perceived by others or in other words on not giving a fuck. And yet there is a certain anxiety well hidden under the slight smile. An anxiety, an uncomfortable consciousness of being watched and captured by the camera. In the picture my head is turned away from the camera, I wonder why? Was it because I wanted to feel the warm sun rays on my face or because I was looking at my friend who was sitting by the window or perhaps because I thought my nose wouldn't look as small if I placed my head at that angle.
Even while sitting there on the comfortable bean bag, with a mug of coffee in my hands, I was actually behind the lens. I was looking at myself through the lens, through a third eyeball as it were. Adjusting the way I was sitting , striking the right balance between a toothy grin and a stiff smile. Remarkably I did it in the span between "say cheese" and CLICK. It is not so much the anxiety about my physical form (though I do have my own insecurities and I'm sure that factors in at some level), it is a more complex discomfort associated with who is holding the camera and the when, where and why associated with that. (If my father took the same picture I would have looked drastically different.) It has something to do with constantly trying to assess what the person watching you wants to see and combining it with ones preoccupation with how one wants too be seen. What disturbs me most is the constant awareness of "having a body" which is under scrutiny in different ways all the time.
My younger self doesn't appear to have any such preoccupations. (Though there too I'm not looking at the camera.)
1 comment:
Monica:
Good! v good...what intrigues me is the choice of photographs - in both pics there is someone else present. Of course, the difference between the two is stark. Amazing, ain't it - that so much goes on inside one's mind in a fraction of a second! But keep thinking/writing/talking about the "uncomfortable consciousness" and let's see how we evolve over the next few months here. So who was it taking the photograph? And why did it seem to matter so much? - Ajay
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